The Best Things about Potter
by graylady21
Summary: 1. James is currently disfigured... a lot.  2. it was partially Lily Evans fault. "I didn't mean to! I swear!" ;   3. this all happened on his birthday.
1. Natural Eyelash Beauty is a Burden

Disclaimer: Not my characters or setting, etc. ENJOY! :)

"There has to be something you like about him."

"I like the space between us. I only wish it was larger."

"Seriously."

"Yes. Seriously."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Lily, there has got to be something, just one thing about James that doesn't totally repulse you."

"Well… hmmmm…"

"Oh come on! He's not THAT bad!" Sirius said, slightly annoyed.

"Fine. I'll do it."

"You'll make a list of James' top ten qualities?"

"I already said I would! Stop pushing it. Even James deserves something on his birthday. I'm not some evil shrew."

"Most of the time" Sirius mumbled.

"It can't be harder than the past 40 seconds of my life." Lily glared at him, a twinkle of a smile in her eyes.

10 Minutes Later

"You done yet?" Sirius asked, impatient.

"Almost." Lily said, tapping her quill on the table, "One more."

"I know… it's hard to choose from. But I think the best choice is 'He's best friends with a sex god'- except that's probably on there already huh?" he winked.

Lily poked him playfully, laughing.

Lily was having a difficult time with this. It was hard to hate James after everything that had happened the past year. They weren't enemies. Or even on bad terms at all. But she didn't want to lead him on seeing as she didn't like him. But she could do this for James, her… friend. Yes, of course, friend. Friends can admire each other's characters. This would be easy.

Writing "amazing Quidditch body" was probably out of the question.

So "intense sexy stare when you're serious" is probably not good either.

And whoops, "You make me laugh" seems harmless, but it's subtly mushy. And cliché.

She scribbled out half her list and started over again.

The Best Things about Potter

10. His many deceptions show him to be a good actor.

9. He is less limited by social conventions than the rest of us seeing as he seemingly has no scruples.

8. He has ears. Whether or not he uses them is a different matter.

7. He managed to extricate decent grades.

6. He knows English. This is an advantageous characteristic.

5. He has a high tolerance level for assorted idiocy. This is evidenced by his friendship with the Sex God himself.

4. He does not need an umbrella to walk in the rain. This is helpful in lessening the level of panic, traffic congestion and general wimp-iness.

3. He like toast. This is always an admirable quality. In fact, he seems to eat from all food groups, setting a good example for younger students.

2. He has some kind of charisma perceived by a number of people. Or, he has amazing potion brewing/ spell-casting abilities which have managed to bewitch a large fan club among others.

1. He has nice eyelashes.

Lily read it over one last time, biting her lip. It seemed mean, but then overly nice. It struck a balance. It wasn't too friendly or too unfriendly. So why did she feel so unsatisfied?

"Here," she thrust it at Sirius before she would do something stupid.

He raised his eyebrow at her. "Thanks Lils, I'll put it with the other cards so he'll see it when he wakes up."

"Mhmmm" she nodded absentmindedly.

The civil war had finally ended. Lily had admitted to herself an affinity for a certain raven-haired birthday boy. She also admitted the impossibility. Why on Earth had she chased him away so often? If not, maybe she'd have a chance. And then, so much for Gryffindor courage, she hadn't owned up to the butterflies in her stomach and tingles on her fingers when he passed her a quill.

Lily sighed. The exasperated hopeless sound captured all the emotion that her pathetic list hadn't.

James woke up. Since it was his birthday Sirius hadn't been able to use water, miniature elephants, gongs, and 187 other things on the "Official List of Forbidden Items for Waking a Marauder Up on Their Birthday".

In the end, he had creatively tickled James with some wild radishes he had nicked a few days ago and was saving for a sandwich later.

This of course resulted in an epic battle of manliness, known to the rest of the world as 'James punching Sirius in the gut for waking him up, and Sirius retaliating by hitting James with a broomstick'.

5 MINUTES LATER

"She thinks I have nice eyelashes," James said.

"James… it's been a long time now. I know she's a great girl-"

"Do you think that curling them would make them more noticeable… and me more irresistible?"

Sirius' mouth fell open. After a fit of laughter, he wiped tears of mirth from his eyes, "Why don't you try some mascara?"

James pondered this, "A little out there… but… if it accentuates my natural curves..."

10 MINUTES LATER

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Lily screamed as a monster appeared in her field of vision.

She had been sitting on a couch reading, and took the opportunity to slam her book into the hideous beast.

"OWWW! Lily!" The creature shouted.

At first Lily was surprised she understood its speech. Then she came to her senses."

"Potter! What happened to your face!" She gasped, horrified.

"Well.. for one thing you just hit my nose with a 600 page book." James said, clutching his nose as his eyes watered.

"Only because you scared me. And it's 527 pages. And- this is totally irrelevant. You need help. Come on."

"Where are we going?" A wary James-beast asked.

"Hospital Wing." Lily said, taking a look at him.

"No, that's okay. I'll be fine."

Lily raised her eyebrows. She dragged James by the arm over to a mirror, noticing through his robes how fit he was.

James eyes focused in on the thing in the mirror. There was no other word to describe it than "thing". It's entire face was red and splotchy. It's nose was off-center and swelling considerably, growing an acorn sized lump, blood pouring from the nostrils. It's cheeks and lips were puffy and disfigured. One eye was bloodshot and bulging. Both eyes were surrounded by black smears which trailed down in streaks.

"AHHHHHHHH!" James screamed. Then he realized that it was his own face. "!"

"Shhhh!" Lily commanded. "It will be fine Potter. Just relax. I'm going to take you to the Hospital Wing and you'll get all fixed up. This is not serious, it'll be gone in an hour, max."

James nodded dumbly and allowed himself to be dragged through the corridors.

Lily moved rapidly through the halls, eyes ahead so they wouldn't stray to James' face. They ran into few students along the way, but those individuals cleared out quickly, and sometimes with quite loud gasps or shouts.

Finally, Lily stumbled into the Hospital Wing clumsily, half dragging James, who was still in shock.

The nurse was fearless, and quickly treated all his ailments. "Nothing serious. But, I'll bandage up his face until it recovers a little. It'll spare everyone's eyes."

Lily laughed and helped the nurse.

James did not laugh. Instead he complained. Eventually the nurse knocked him out with a potion. After they were done, Lily made a movement to leave the room. But she caught herself. It was his birthday after all.

She amused herself by reading the clipboard by his bed.

NAME: James Potter

DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT:

Nasal fracture- healing spell, splint

Left eye irritation- eye drops (Anti-Swelling Potion)

Allergic Reaction- ointment

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

Allergic reaction seems to be from a plant, oddly similar reaction to the radish-looking poisonous plant the herbology department has been cultivating in Greenhouse 4.

Additional cleaning was necessary, patient had some kind of black paint on face, particularly around eyes.

Uncooperative, was given a small amount of sleeping potion to calm down.

Patient has been in hospital wing 187 times.

Lily was puzzled. She understood the broken nose, but the rest of the story was lost to her. That's why she stayed. At least that's what she told herself.

And so she sat on a chair next to James bed, taking the chance to hold his hand in hers and softy hum birthday song.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**WHAT HAPPENED TO JAMES? (if you haven't figured it out already)**

**AND, more importantly, WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?**


	2. Monkeys in the Hospital Wing

"AYYYYYYAAAYYAYAAEEEE!"

Lily turned at the elaborate war cry. She found herself looking up at the door when a mass of black skidding through the door, fists raised as if about to be challenged.

The nurse barely even flinched.

"Matilda, Dahhling," Sirius grinned, "Long time no see."

"I see entirely too much of you and your puffy friend." The nurse replied, gesturing towards James.

"There's no such thing as too much Sirius!" he offered with a cheeky grin. "I haven't seen you since… this morning... wow! Has it really been that long?" He said, reaching inside his robes and pulling out a slightly-battered bouquet of purple flowers.

Matilda glared at him, "Sirius! For the last time, there are NO flowers, plants, or animals allowed in this hospital wing!"

However, Lily say that she was trying to hide a smile as she reached for the flowers and carried them to her office.

Sirius sauntered over to Lily. "How's the ol' chap?" he asked.

"You heard the lady, no animals. Get your monkey butt out of here." Lily replied sweetly.

"Oh ha bloody ha," Sirius said.

"He's just fine. I didn't want to leave him alone in here on his birthday and all, but you're here now so…" Lily said, her stomach grumbling.

"Alright, I'll keep watch on the beast. You should hear some of the rumors going around, about how some flesh-eating monster hybrid got loose on the castle and ate a couple first years before disappearing."

"What! Where on Earth did they get that idea?"

"Do you really not recognize my signature creative genius at work?"

"I do not condone such behavior," she said, crossing her arms.

"And if you see Julia, let her know I'm in here and I'll see her after dinner."

"Shouldn't you know where your own girlfriend is?" Lily asked.

"That's the weird thing, I haven't seen her since last night. I thought that after the romantic flowers and everything she'd be unable to keep away."

"Uhuh," Lily said dryly, "I'll keep my eye out.

He stuck his tongue out at her. "Skedaddle my little pumpkin head, or your stomach will eat itself."

She hesitated for a split second, then moved to the door.

10 MINUTES LATER

In the Great Hall Lily found muffins. And pancakes. And freshly cooked eggs. And toast (of course).

Her friends were there too.. but they were not nearly as important as the toast. And pancakes.

"Lily. Lily! LILY! LILLLLLLLLLYYYYY!" Quinn said, waving a sausage in front of the redheads face.

"Huh?" Lily said, breaking out of her daze.

"Where have you been?"

"Well, Sirius woke me up at 5 in the morning. We spent an hour arguing. Then HE spent another hour unsticking himself from the ceiling. Then I wrote a list. And then I broke James' nose so I had to drag him up. And then Melinda knocked him out and no one should be alone on their birthday. And I didn't see Julia, but I saw toast. Toast. Fresh toast. And French toast for that matter. And that's an important part of a balanced diet. I shouldn't have written that, it's so stupid. And the allergy thing still makes NO sense."

"That made NO sense," Quinn said, well used to Lily's antics after 7 years.

30 MINUTES LATER

Lily was climbing in the portrait hole when she heard a terrible shrieking sound.

Like any good concerned citizen, albeit a nosy one, she went to investigate. In the girls dorm room she found Julia.

**WHAT DOES JULIA HAVE TO DO WITH THIS CRAZY STORY?**

**WHEN WILL I FIND TIME TO FINISH IT?**

**WHAT HAPPENED TO JAMES!**


	3. Siriusly in trouble

Lily found Julia… shrieking in the girl's dorm room. Well, at least she THOUGHT it was Julia. It had blond hair… and a lump on its face that could be a nose, if you squinted and tilted your head 30 degrees to the right. Besides, only Julia could make such noises.

`Then again, it could be a troll-banshee hybrid.

Lily took out her wand and moved towards the creature, "Listen here you hybrid child, I'm not messing around. I know it's hard to not belong but that's no excuse for eating my friend and stealing her pajamas."

A moment of silence followed as the two looked at each other. Lily noticed it had brown eyes. Just like Julia. Maybe it really was her.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" It cried out, lunging for a box of tissues.

"Julia?" Lily said cautiously, lowering her wand slightly.

"I'M UGLY!" the monster, who was probably actually Julia at this point, cried. Realizing that the box of tissues was already empty she threw it violently at the mirror across the room.

"Oh dear," Lily sighed, feeling sorry for her friend and wondering what had gotten into everyone.

30 MINUTES LATER

Lily had spent the last half hour convincing Julia that inner beauty mattered and that her face didn't look that bad anymore. This was partially due to the 40 different charms Lily had performed. Now Julia looked like a person, albeit a slightly puffy and pinkish one.

Now Julia, considerably cheered up, reverted to one of her favourite activities- talking, mainly about herself.

"I was sooo sad this morning, thanks for helping me. I mean, I wasn't really worried about the rest of the world seeing me. That would be terrible, but I was just going to stay in my room… blah…blah…"

Lily wasn't going to lie, she was proud of herself; she had gotten Julia out of the room and into the halls. She knew that if she personally looked like a troll-banshee-ogre-mermaid-balloon she probably wouldn't have left for a couple days, no matter how lovely the spell work was.

"… It's only Sirius that I was worried about seeing me; that would have been terrible. I mean, like what if he broke up with me? Like when in second year Jane Houst gained 5 pounds…"

Lily remembered that day. She had gotten so angry at Sirius for being shallow and James for supporting his pea-brained friend that both boys had spent the next week with butts the size of watermelons that hurt whenever they sat down. She grinned gleefully, she had enjoyed that week very much. And Jane Houst had provided the seeds that spilled out whenever either of them opened their mouths. Good times.

"…Especially since last night he was sooo sweet, getting me those purple flowers and all. He knows it's my favourite colour. So he was just waiting behind the door and he leapt out pointing the bouquet at me like a sword, and so I screamed and hit the bouquet away, making it fall to the floor. Then I realized it was just my cutie pie and so I screamed at him some more for scaring me, and then-"

At this point Lily tuned out. After all, the girl could go on forever.

They headed down to the Great Hall for lunch. Julia felt confident enough to stride right up to Sirius and claim a seat next to him, kissing him on the cheek. Sirius automatically responded, "Hey there hot stuff," before looking at her. Julia was excited that he hadn't noticed her face was still slightly blotchy and swollen. Sirius' eyes grew big and he was about to ask her if she was okay, when he noticed Lily shaking her head vehemently behind her friend. Sirius looked at her questioningly, raising his eyebrow, but said nothing more. Lily sighed, disaster avoided.

5 MINUTES LATER

"Sirius? Is there something wrong with your forehead? Why is your eyebrow up that high? It's like when my auntie got Botox- yuck, worst decision ever, and she-"

30 MINUTES LATER

"-And that's why you should never EVER mess with ducks. Like seriously. Oh, look! Your eyebrow's back. Great!" Julia finally finished. Sirius raised his eyebrow in response, before quickly lowering it before Julia noticed. She had hardly taken a pause to breathe. Lily wondered how on Earth she had managed to finish her salad.

"How's James?" Lily asked. Sirius leaned over the table and motioned Lily to come closer. Remus, on the other side of the table, also leaned in. Sirius whispered conspiratorially, "Last I heard, he tried to fight off some ravaging beast loose in the castle in order to defend the younglings. They ran off, but the last they saw him, the beast was moving to push him out of a window and he was shooting out hexes from his wand left and right, but his shield charm was fading. One particularly spunky sex god came to the rescue and tackled the beast from behind. At this point the story becomes murky. James, blinded by tears of joy and relief, fell out the window, despite the sex god savior's best efforts. Or, James ran away, crying and squealing so much some other students mistook him for a Gryffindorette."

Lily rolled her eyes. Then she said, "Oh you brave boy, is that why you have such frizzy hair today?"

Sirius sat up in a panic, grabbing his hair, "What frizz? No, no, NO!" he shouted, while trying to smooth his perfectly combed locks. He tried to see his reflection in his plate, "Ahh! My nose! It's huge!" he yelled.

"That's just the plate sweetheart," Julia answered. "Shhhh, it's okay, this is why you keep emergency hair gel with you."

Suddenly remembering that he was prepared for this disaster, Sirius pulled out his emergency hair kit. It included a brush, 2 different combs, hair gel, mousse, hairspray, hair mist, and even more products Lily couldn't recognize, probably because they were labeled in foreign languages.  
"Wa… Sch… Rei…Shnuf…Doppel...Wein…Zw… HUH?" Remus read, looking at the strange bottles.

"NO WAY! Sirius! This doesn't even come out till next month! Even in the most exclusive circles!" Julia squealed. "Can I just…"

"HANDS OFF WOMAN!" Sirius shouted, "Stick to Emergency procedure! Go! Go! GO!" He exclaimed to his friends.

"Errr…" was the collective answer. Although there was SOME variation ("are you mad?"/ "off his bloody rocker that one is!"/ "just a teensy tiny drop...")

"Didn't you read the information packets I owled you last month?" Sirius demanded. Upon seeing their confusion he relented, "it's okay, I have a spare copy at all times. Just like you should. Page 17, Article III. THIS IS NOT A DRILL!"

SIRIUS BLACK'S PATENTED EMERGENCY HAIR PROCEDURE: (Selected excerpts, the actual instruction extends 22 pages)

From Article 1:

"Under no circumstances will emergency hair products ever be touched, handled, used, or even refilled without express permission from his sex godliness." (Julia started batting her eyelashes and pouting her lips in an attempt to gain "express permission", and only succeeded in getting yelled at for deviating from procedure.)

From Article 2:

"Fellow victims (if my hair suffers, the world loses much of its beauty, but this particularly affects my close mates who get to experience the shocking gorgeousness on a daily basis and without it would probably fall into depression and off of the astronomy tower) are to be helpful in all conceivable ways. One should not leave Sirius alone to go through this crisis. However, the necessary materials must be brought with haste, a larger mirror, friendly support, pineapple and whatever else his sexiness deems necessary to keep the world from such an awful fate." (Lily snorted but conjured a mirror and faked friendly support by going to get the pineapple.)

From Article 3:

"Keep at least 1 spare copy of this document on your person at all times. Laminating is optional, although it does make showering with it much less of a hassle." (Remus exclaimed, "By golly, it actually says that!"

Article 7:

"This document is highly confidential…. Legal repercussions… bludger in the backside…. Llama…."

Page 27:

"I hereby agree to the above terms and will ensure to the best of my effort that this emergency plan (though likely unnecessary) will (if ever, however unlikely, be needed) succeed.

Signed:

_James William Godfrey Septimus Charles Luigi Dork Potter_

_Remus Lelupe_

_Peter Petty- wish I grew-more_

_Lily Potter_

_Julia Charlesworth_

"I don't remember signing this," Remus said cautiously. "Especially not with the name LeLupe, you idiot. How on earth do you know French?"

"Ah sweet Marie…" Sirius trailed off, seeing Julia's face. And went back to mixing minute amounts of pumpkin juice into his hair gel diligently (the procedure to which this is related is guarded by a confidentiality agreement)

Julia said "I REALLY doubt James' mother would allow "Dork" as a middle name. Not to mention the rest of these ridiculous-"she stopped suddenly seeing Lily's face. Or, not seeing Lily's face, seeing as how Lily had left her seat. The girl in question was standing behind a hair-consumed Sirius. Not feeling the least bit guilty for lying about his hair frizz. She said sweetly, "I hear lemon really helps with split ends," moving the lemon meringue pie over. Before he could turn around thank her, she pushed his head straight into the pie and stomped off.

Sirius came up for air, covered in meringue and lemon filling, looking absolutely horrified. He got up and ran from the table like a frightened jackrabbit, splattering bits of pie all over the Great Hall.

5 MINUTES LATER

Lily hadn't been too mad at Sirius, but she had had to show him that she was not one to mess with. Besides, pie was harmless. Right? She thought about this as she made her way up the staircase.

5 MINUTES LATER

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH! THERE'S A MUTATED FREAK ON THE LOOSE!" a third year screamed, running down the hallway.  
"OH NO! HE GOT ME! RUN, SAVE YOURSELVES!" a second year cried to his friends, spotting a drop of cream on his shirt that had flaked off the creature.

Sirius was running through the halls up to the nearest bathroom/ refuge. Unfortunately, he was emotionally compromised and not able to find things very well through the amount of pie on his face. He did however, marvel at some of the brilliance he heard, "mutated student" was a totally decent story. Of course, he could top it. Then he realized they were talking about him.

AND THEN, as if his life was not already miserable enough, his hands began to swell.


End file.
